


what is built

by SoloByChoice



Category: Babylon 5
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Philosophy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 09:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7503697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoloByChoice/pseuds/SoloByChoice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>anger, revenge, forgiveness, and moving forward: Sinclair and G'Kar (and some Garibaldi) over the years</p>
            </blockquote>





	what is built

G’Kar thinks, sometimes, about killing Londo Mollari. He has killed Centauri before; he doesn’t think it will be difficult. When he is especially angry, he imagines how he might do it, how the alien’s pale flesh might feel beneath his hands or his teeth, how those pale eyes might looks as the light of life leaves them...

  
Some days it is only the importance of his position on the station that stops him from carrying out one of many such plans. He knows, though it galls him, that these are no longer the days of the resistance and he can no longer do just as he pleases in the name of Narn freedom. The Centauri may snarl from behind their borders, but that would not justify his killing their Ambassador, at least not in the eyes of those on the station.

  
Still it burns him to think the thrice-damned Centauri might get away with it. Surely, he thinks, no punishment is great enough for the decimation of the Narn homeworld but the burning of Centauri Prime itself!

  
Sinclair doesn’t understand. Worse, he disapproves. G’Kar wonders whether the humans are truly aware how close to extinction they came in their war with the Minbari. If Sinclair knew, surely he would hate the Minbari, and yet he calls Delenn “old friend” – and yet he was a hero of that war, so how can he not know?

  
_Be careful_. Sinclair had warned him. _Not every dream I’ve heard lately ends well for you_. Well, he knows perfectly well how angry Mollari is about Ragesh III. He will want revenge for what they did to his nephew. G’Kar understands Mollari, much as he also hates him. Sometimes this disturbs him, but most of the time he finds it fitting. G’Kar knows that if he kills Mollari, Mollari will also kill him. There is something about that which is appropriate.

  
/

  
Home Guard is in the news again. They’re advocating for harsher immigration policies, even though the vetting process for aliens to come live or work on Earth is already complex and thorough. The ISN reporter is interviewing an expert who sounds a little too sympathetic to Home Guard’s stance. Sinclair turns the television off in disgust.

  
He could flip through the channels to try and find something more palatable, but nothing good is ever on at this time of night. He feels too restless to concentrate on a book.

  
The problem he has with Home Guard, really, if he’s honest, is that he understands their way of thinking too well. Right after the war ended he would have been happy to never see another Minbari in his life. If someone had invited him to join Home Guard then, he might have taken them up on it.

  
Sometimes, he thinks his story is a hopeful one. If a veteran of the Line can learn to... if not forgive, exactly, to move on, to build new things, then surely anyone can. Sometimes, that hope is enough.

  
At times like this, however, when he’s woken himself up shouting for Mitchell for the third time this week and knows damn well he’s not getting to sleep again, when he’s only drinking water because he knows he has to work tomorrow at this job that sometimes feels like he’s holding the concept of this station together with his bare hands... At times like this, his cynicism rears its head and he wonders how many of Home Guard’s leaders even fought in the war.

  
He can see how they’re taking advantage of people’s fear and anger. It’s so obvious. It pisses him off. Leaders ought to be better than that.

  
It’s not as if people haven’t got a right to be afraid and angry. He used to be afraid and angry and he doesn’t blame himself for that. He just feels sad at the time wasted.

  
No, the problem, Sinclair thinks, is that if someone has enough power and sway to be considered a leader, then they shouldn’t be using it to rile people up. They should use it to appeal to the better angels of the people’s nature. He believes that those better angels exist in everyone. Sometimes they just need encouragement to let them shine through.

  
/

  
Another day, another thing G’Kar and Mollari can’t agree on. This time it’s some minutia in the wording of a treaty, and no matter how many times Sinclair calmly explains the situation to them, the session nearly ends in blows, with the usual escalation of threats and promises to never speak to each other again, promises which will be broken by the next day if not sooner. It would be comical if Sinclair wasn’t so sick of it.

  
By the end of the session he’s nursing a headache brought on by exhaustion and the ambassadors’ shouting. Coffee with dinner barely helps, especially since he has a lot of paperwork he needs to get done before attempting to go to bed tonight. He’s eating in the mess with Garibaldi and Ivanova, but he’s too lost in his own head to contribute much more than a couple vague grunts to their conversation, which seems to be centered on how bad the mess food is.

  
Sinclair is thinking about those better angels again. There’s a lull in the argument. He’s staring into his coffee, trying to sort his thoughts, and one slips out. Maybe he needs to talk about this. “Ten years ago, I probably would have joined Home Guard.”

  
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Jeff,” says Garibaldi.

  
“I’m not,” Sinclair assures him.

  
“People change,” says Ivanova.

  
“Exactly. People can change, but Home Guard still exists. Ten years out and some people still can’t let go. And then I spend all day listening to – refereeing, really – another shouting match between our two favorite ambassadors, and I can’t help but wonder, well, how long is long enough?”

  
“Long enough for what? To forgive and forget? People can’t forgive on behalf of the dead, and forgetting is impossible.” Ivanova looks older than her years, Sinclair thinks, like generations of pain and exile have come to rest in her heart. He forgets, sometimes, how different they are.

  
He sighs. “No, not necessarily to forgive. More – to move on. To build something new. Take the Narn: they have every right to be angry at the Centauri, but they’re going to tear themselves apart and lose what little they have left searching for revenge.”

  
Garibaldi frowns. “Okay. So are you saying the Narns should be more like us – humans – you know, building this station with the Minbari and all that? Or are you saying that you think we’re becoming more like the Narns?”

  
“I don’t know. Both, maybe. I just worry. If Earth closes its borders, if we continue rebuilding our military, I worry we’ll get overconfident.”

  
“The way some people talk, it’s like they’ve forgotten how bad the war was. If we tried again, the Minbari’d just swat us like flies. And they might decide to finish the job this time.” They don’t talk about the war, him and Garibaldi, not in detail. Still, it’s comforting to have a friend he knows understands.

  
Well, Delenn probably understands too, but that’s very different. He still isn’t sure what to do with the knowledge that she’s Grey Council. That she was there, in his memory. He doesn’t know what it means. There are too many secrets, so he has no choice but to keep moving forward.

  
If he knew more, maybe he’d find moving on harder. The war was never personal, at least not for him. He never fought the Minbari face to face. He knows G’Kar grew up with the Centauri still enslaving his world. That has to be part of the difference. Perhaps the fact that G’Kar came to the station, that he talks to Mollari at all, should encourage Sinclair. If they have enough time for the slow growth of understanding.

  
Sometimes he feels like something’s coming, just over the horizon. Like a sandstorm on Mars, visible in the distance, an unstoppable force moving toward the city.

  
/

  
The moment of revelation is easy. Living with that revelation, determining what it means, these are the difficult things. Luckily for G’Kar, he has plenty of time to think.

  
_When I was young_ , he writes, _I was angry. That anger was born of grief and pain. The Centauri destroyed my world. In the book of G’Quan, he describes the land as verdant and plentiful. G’Quan himself was a farmer. The world of my childhood was bleak, dusty, red. Ruined. Even now thinking of it makes me burn._

  
_When I was young, I believed that the Centauri had taken everything from us. The only thing left was revenge. I am still not sure what else there is. I only know that I was wrong, they did not take everything._

  
_What is left, I think, remains to be seen._

  
/

  
Thirteen years ago, Jeffrey Sinclair was twenty-eight years old and angry. The war had just ended and he had no idea where he was when the Minbari surrendered. “I was blacked out. I must’ve hit my head,” he insisted, over and over again. The military doctors who examined him said there was no evidence of a head injury. “Maybe I took too many Gs. I don’t know! I don’t remember.” The telepaths said he believed he was telling the truth. Eventually the investigation was closed.

  
Two years ago, a mysterious man came to the station to dig around in Sinclair’s memories for some buried truth. What he found only raised more questions. What revelation had the Minbari had that caused them to surrender? What could they possibly have learned from one ordinary fighter pilot?

  
Now, after a year of dreams, muddled memories, and Vorlon whispers, the pieces have slotted together. The prophecies were coming true because they were the memories of a man who had lived them. “Not the One,” Zathras had said then, but this was now. He doesn’t possess the soul of a reincarnated Valen, as the Grey Council had believed at the Line. He is Valen. A Minbari not born of Minbari. A gap to bridge and another war to fight. It seems right, somehow.

  
It’s not something he can explain, exactly. Delenn feels herself the answer to prophecy; she will understand. Catherine is gone. He hopes to find her again, against all odds. Michael will not understand. Sinclair knows they won’t be able to talk before he leaves. He hates to hurt his friend, but the circumstances make that inevitable. He only hopes that Michael will forgive him someday.

  
“I am Valen, come to you at the turning of the tide,” he says, and feels something fall into place.

  
/

  
“I’m sorry,” Londo whispers through the glass window of the infirmary and suddenly the world is changed.

  
Later, G’Kar stands at the observation window as the sun rises over the planet below. So many deaths, a world ruined, torture, disfigurement... two words are not enough to heal all the hurts the Narn have suffered. And yet G’Kar knows he will hold them in his heart until the day he dies.

  
“Hey, G’Kar.” It’s Garibaldi. “Stephen thought maybe you’d like to know: he thinks Londo’s going to be okay.”

  
“Good,” says G’Kar and finds that he means it. He gestures toward the window. “A new sun rises!”

  
Garibaldi comes to stand next to him. “You seem awfully pleased about it for someone who wanted him dead a year or two ago.”

  
G’Kar shrugs. “Times change.”

  
“Yeah, I guess they do. You know, Stephen said he thought Londo said something to you, when he woke up.”

  
Garibaldi probably knows what Stephen thinks he heard Londo say, but if he wants to play one of his little games, well, he’s been through a lot lately so G’Kar decides to let him with minimal fuss.

  
“Yes. He apologized.”

  
“Apologized? What – for getting your eye torn out? For throwing asteroids at your planet??”

  
“I believe he meant to apologize for the part he played in those events, yes.”

  
“And you’re fine with it? He destroys your planet, he ruins your life, and then – what – he says he’s sorry and suddenly it’s all okay?”

  
“No, it’s not ‘all okay’. But I never expected an apology, never asked for one, and I believe he meant it. So. It means something to me.” What that something is, G’Kar doesn’t know yet, but there’s a feeling in his heart that he associates with the sunrise. It might be hope. He needs time to consider it.

  
Garibaldi is still angry – about what, exactly, G’Kar isn’t sure. The injustice of it, maybe. Or maybe he wants revenge for what the telepaths did to him so badly that he imagines G’Kar ought to want the same thing himself. Of course, he used to be right. G’Kar remembers wanting Londo dead for years – and he remembers seeing Londo’s death dream in the Centauri’s mind.

  
“I did want Londo dead, you know. Of course you know, I never made a secret of it. I wanted to kill him with my bare hands. Yet if I had, well. We would not be here today. While we are both alive there are – possibilities.”

  
“Yeah and if you’d killed him, maybe you’d still have two eyes and less of your people would be dead.” Garibaldi leaves abruptly.

  
The human hasn’t said anything that G’Kar hasn’t thought to himself many times. Three years ago, he would have felt the exact same way and would have been just as incapable of understanding any other perspective. Maybe Garibaldi will heal, given time. G’Kar hopes so; he quite likes the human.

  
For now, he returns to his contemplation of the sunrise and the new day.

  
/

  
_I have made a friend,_ G’Kar writes, _who reminds me of myself. She is young and angry, as I once was. She imagines her pain, her anger, to be unique in the universe, as I once did. Her people have been cruelly used and she wants revenge. She says that nothing I say to her will change her mind. I am sure she is right._

  
_How many people told me of the futility of revenge? How many times did I refuse to listen?_

  
_If I know anything, I know that revelations can only come from within. I can only hope that she will come to understand before it is too late._

  
_I have granted what small amount of forgiveness I had in me. I hope she will find what heals her, in time._

  
/

  
“I’m reading your second book,” says Garibaldi. “I like the first one better – more action.”

  
G’Kar huffs on the video screen, the picture of injured pride. “It is a good thing you’re not a literary critic, with poor taste like yours. Anyway, I didn’t send it to you for a review.”  
“Then why did you sent it to me?”

  
“I wanted to know what you thought of it.”

  
“G’Kar –“ Garibaldi cuts himself off. Infuriating Narn. “Parts of it were interesting. The stuff with Lyta. Did you really forgive Londo? Was that what you meant?”

  
“I found I could forgive him, yes. Not his people, and not on behalf of my people. Only I and only him, you see?”

  
“I guess.” Garibaldi has never found forgiveness easy. It’s always seemed to him that the only way to make people understand the pain they’ve caused is to hurt them back in kind. It doesn’t make you feel better. Feeling better isn’t the point. It’s only fair.

  
Maybe that’s why he never had any trouble forgiving Jeff for leaving like he did.

  
“And what if you can’t forgive?”

  
“I think,” says G’Kar. “That it isn’t forgiveness that matters so much. Anger comes from pain, and sometimes that pain prevents us from... continuing. I believe we must remember our pain, because we cannot forget it, and move on to build new things.”

  
_Move on to build new things._ It sounds like something Jeff would say.

  
“G’Kar, I was thinking, it’s really too bad Sinclair never got to meet you.”

  
G’Kar laughs. “Our lives were in many ways parallel, but we only see it now. There are many things I think I could have learned from him, if I’d only cared to listen.”

  
“Yeah, you and me both.”

  
At which point their conversation is interrupted by Mary, who insists she remembers meeting G’Kar even though she’s only three and he’s never visited, and who wants to talk to him. So Garibaldi lets her sit in his lap and watches as G’Kar describes some weird planet he visited and the really gross stuff they eat there – a story clearly tailored to the interests of basically every little kid ever.

  
It’s not a scene he would have imagined even just a few years ago. He recalls vaguely something G’Kar said back when he felt like everything was falling apart: while I am alive there are always possibilities. So he never got to personally shoot Bester in the head, but he has friends and a family and a lot of work to do, which he actually likes doing, and no boss, and okay he’s still kind of a mess, but he is alive. He’s working on building something new.

  
Feels like moving on.

  
/

  
To the Minbari, Valen wrote: _When I was young, I was angry. My people had been dealt a great injustice and I wanted revenge. As time passed, I realized that my people needed to come together with those who had wronged us, or we couldn’t build a better future for both our peoples. So I learned to move forward. What we built together endured. When you set aside your differences, what you build will endure a thousand years._


End file.
